Ahoy again internet world,
So... I forgot about my blog again. Dang. So... its been since my oral exam... which was in March... just about a 6 month delay. Not that I have anything special to account... just remembered that this is here, and that I've neglected it.
I'll prepare something to discuss/rant about soon. Just wanted to put out a signal to the internet world- I'm still alive!
-L
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The big day
I would like to give you all an account of the past few days leading up to my oral exam, and finally describe to you how my oral exam actually went.
Saturday:
Its ~3 days until my oral exam. I'm not allowed to study, I'm supposed to "get my zen on," as my advisor has told me. I go to see The Secret World of Arrietty.
It was cute, just what I expected of a Studio Ghibli movie. I start feeling sniffly, sneezy, and kind of like a cold is coming on. Great. I go out for beers with friends anyway, because I'm trying to zen and not think about the impending exam.
Sunday:
Nausea, body aches, and chills! Oh crap. This is NOT the zen I was hoping for. I sleep all day. Eat 2 crackers and a pear. Go to bed hoping that I feel miraculously better on Monday.
Monday:
Still got the body-aches and chills! I can eat but everything tastes totally nasty. I start to freak out because my oral exam is tomorrow, and I havent really practiced my new and improved powerpoint presentation. Insert profanity (actually, more than one). I email my advisor, telling him whats going on. He offers to help me reschedule if I really cant come in the next day. Rescheduling freaks me out more than taking the exam sick. I rest the whole day. By night time I'm feeling OK. I bring all of my food and drink in to campus for the exam. In a last ditch panic, I flip through Atkins and I flip through my powerpoint presentation. I toss and turn all night, waking up at every hour in a panic.
Tuesday:
The fated day is here. I get dressed, realize that in this whole stressed out about the oral exam for ~3 month period, I have apparently lost weight. My dress slacks dont fit. Luckily, I have dress slacks from 4 years ago which do. Whew. All dressed up, looking snazzy. My computer is packed up, I drive to campus (not wanting to walk all the way in my professional get-up). Now the real panic has set in. Coffee has been ordered, I've sent a friend off to fetch donuts for one of my committee members. Ok, everything is in place. A friend hangs around to keep me from being alone with myself for an hour before. All I want to do is flip through my slides and flip through my study notes, but its not a good idea! 30 minutes until the exam. Oh dang. Food gets set up. Projector is set up. Another friend pulls me aside to give me a pep talk. I dont know that I hear much of it at all, but I appreciate it all the same. My advisor pulls me aside. He gives me a bit of a pep talk, tells me how the exam is going to go. Ok. Its game time. I walk into the room.
The Exam:
One committee member is sitting in the corner, he has his ipad on his lap. He asks me how many slides I have in my presentation, "What? Slides? No, I'm afraid we're just going to cut you off here. No slides." I tell him I have too many, and to feel free to cut me off. I also tell him that his donuts are here. "Look at all this food! I'm afraid this exam is going to have to go 5 hours so that we can finish it all!" I'm starting to mellow out, stuff is feeling more and more casual. Other committee members wander in. When the last one shows up, I am asked to leave so that they can discuss how the exam is going to go.
I stand in the hallway in my fancy dress clothes with a bottle of water. I'm nervously sipping away. How is this thing going to go down? The grad student coordinator walks by, talks to me, and gives me a hug. My advisor comes out, tells me its time, tells me to take a deep breath. I walk in and suddenly we are off! I start presenting my proposal, there are some bumps in my speech, but I recover. The questions are all reasonable, and mostly they are curiosities. If I dont know the answer, I think of things that might be true, and they seem to be satisfied by that. They cut me off after an hour and a half of talking about my proposal. I'm sent outside again.
Whew! Its already half over! The proposal part wasn't so bad, but I'm starting to get nervous about the general question part.
When I'm brought back in, everyone seems to be in good spirits. Two of my committee members are joking and actually cracking up. It feels VERY casual, with the exception of one committee member who is being very serious. They all tell me that my proposal was VERY GOOD. I'm smiling, but still wondering whats next. Three out of my four committee members ask questions. I'm asked about the laws of thermodynamics, vibrational spectoscopy selection rules, and bonding in ZnO. It wasnt too bad, but I dont really know what this means. I'm asked to leave the room again.
I'm wondering, am I going to get more questions? How did I do? I dont feel like I'm failing, but I dont know that I've passed either. Its like I'm in limbo, but regardless, its almost over.
After a very short break, my advisor comes out and tells me that I did a really great job. I'm stunned. "It's over?" He shakes my hand. "You still need to sign the papers." I walk in and they are signing away at the document saying whether I've passed or failed. I shake two of my committee members hands. What a relief.
Now that I think about it, I never really looked to see where on the paper it said that I passed. I guess I just have to believe my advisor. YES! And I'm not passed with special requirements to teach a class or to take a class. I've just passed.
Now, I'd like to say, oh yes, I feel like I totally aced that thing. But I dont, and I dont think anyone who takes their oral ever does. Its the whole fraud thing that I mentioned before. I know that I didnt go in there and fool them, but at the same time, I wonder if I am still a fraud. How in the world did that exam go by so seemingly smooth? How was my proposal that good? I'm sure I'll stop thinking these things eventually. But last night I had a dream that they actually had failed me, and no one had told me. So I know that still, deep in my subconscious, I'm wondering if I am actually deserving of my new PhD Candidacy.
It's the day after the exam now, and I'm still sick. I'm stuck in bed resting after all of yesterdays excitement. Food still doesn't taste good. My sinuses are causing me incredible pain, and the dogs in my house are driving me crazy. I cannot wait to be feeling better and back in the lab. I miss my laser, and I miss my team.
Thanks again for all of the support. I've finally made it. Next big hurtles- writing papers, a dissertation, and defending it. PhD-ness, here I come.
Lasers
Saturday:
Its ~3 days until my oral exam. I'm not allowed to study, I'm supposed to "get my zen on," as my advisor has told me. I go to see The Secret World of Arrietty.
Sunday:
Nausea, body aches, and chills! Oh crap. This is NOT the zen I was hoping for. I sleep all day. Eat 2 crackers and a pear. Go to bed hoping that I feel miraculously better on Monday.
Monday:
Still got the body-aches and chills! I can eat but everything tastes totally nasty. I start to freak out because my oral exam is tomorrow, and I havent really practiced my new and improved powerpoint presentation. Insert profanity (actually, more than one). I email my advisor, telling him whats going on. He offers to help me reschedule if I really cant come in the next day. Rescheduling freaks me out more than taking the exam sick. I rest the whole day. By night time I'm feeling OK. I bring all of my food and drink in to campus for the exam. In a last ditch panic, I flip through Atkins and I flip through my powerpoint presentation. I toss and turn all night, waking up at every hour in a panic.
Tuesday:
The fated day is here. I get dressed, realize that in this whole stressed out about the oral exam for ~3 month period, I have apparently lost weight. My dress slacks dont fit. Luckily, I have dress slacks from 4 years ago which do. Whew. All dressed up, looking snazzy. My computer is packed up, I drive to campus (not wanting to walk all the way in my professional get-up). Now the real panic has set in. Coffee has been ordered, I've sent a friend off to fetch donuts for one of my committee members. Ok, everything is in place. A friend hangs around to keep me from being alone with myself for an hour before. All I want to do is flip through my slides and flip through my study notes, but its not a good idea! 30 minutes until the exam. Oh dang. Food gets set up. Projector is set up. Another friend pulls me aside to give me a pep talk. I dont know that I hear much of it at all, but I appreciate it all the same. My advisor pulls me aside. He gives me a bit of a pep talk, tells me how the exam is going to go. Ok. Its game time. I walk into the room.
The Exam:
One committee member is sitting in the corner, he has his ipad on his lap. He asks me how many slides I have in my presentation, "What? Slides? No, I'm afraid we're just going to cut you off here. No slides." I tell him I have too many, and to feel free to cut me off. I also tell him that his donuts are here. "Look at all this food! I'm afraid this exam is going to have to go 5 hours so that we can finish it all!" I'm starting to mellow out, stuff is feeling more and more casual. Other committee members wander in. When the last one shows up, I am asked to leave so that they can discuss how the exam is going to go.
I stand in the hallway in my fancy dress clothes with a bottle of water. I'm nervously sipping away. How is this thing going to go down? The grad student coordinator walks by, talks to me, and gives me a hug. My advisor comes out, tells me its time, tells me to take a deep breath. I walk in and suddenly we are off! I start presenting my proposal, there are some bumps in my speech, but I recover. The questions are all reasonable, and mostly they are curiosities. If I dont know the answer, I think of things that might be true, and they seem to be satisfied by that. They cut me off after an hour and a half of talking about my proposal. I'm sent outside again.
Whew! Its already half over! The proposal part wasn't so bad, but I'm starting to get nervous about the general question part.
When I'm brought back in, everyone seems to be in good spirits. Two of my committee members are joking and actually cracking up. It feels VERY casual, with the exception of one committee member who is being very serious. They all tell me that my proposal was VERY GOOD. I'm smiling, but still wondering whats next. Three out of my four committee members ask questions. I'm asked about the laws of thermodynamics, vibrational spectoscopy selection rules, and bonding in ZnO. It wasnt too bad, but I dont really know what this means. I'm asked to leave the room again.
I'm wondering, am I going to get more questions? How did I do? I dont feel like I'm failing, but I dont know that I've passed either. Its like I'm in limbo, but regardless, its almost over.
After a very short break, my advisor comes out and tells me that I did a really great job. I'm stunned. "It's over?" He shakes my hand. "You still need to sign the papers." I walk in and they are signing away at the document saying whether I've passed or failed. I shake two of my committee members hands. What a relief.
Now that I think about it, I never really looked to see where on the paper it said that I passed. I guess I just have to believe my advisor. YES! And I'm not passed with special requirements to teach a class or to take a class. I've just passed.
Now, I'd like to say, oh yes, I feel like I totally aced that thing. But I dont, and I dont think anyone who takes their oral ever does. Its the whole fraud thing that I mentioned before. I know that I didnt go in there and fool them, but at the same time, I wonder if I am still a fraud. How in the world did that exam go by so seemingly smooth? How was my proposal that good? I'm sure I'll stop thinking these things eventually. But last night I had a dream that they actually had failed me, and no one had told me. So I know that still, deep in my subconscious, I'm wondering if I am actually deserving of my new PhD Candidacy.
It's the day after the exam now, and I'm still sick. I'm stuck in bed resting after all of yesterdays excitement. Food still doesn't taste good. My sinuses are causing me incredible pain, and the dogs in my house are driving me crazy. I cannot wait to be feeling better and back in the lab. I miss my laser, and I miss my team.
Thanks again for all of the support. I've finally made it. Next big hurtles- writing papers, a dissertation, and defending it. PhD-ness, here I come.
Lasers
Saturday, March 3, 2012
3 days
The countdown is nearly up! Less than 3 days until I take my oral exam! Now, a treat for you all. A friend of mine made me into a laser loving cartoon character (for my oral exam and other future presentations). Enjoy!
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Saturday, February 11, 2012
Progress
Well, the oral exam is fast approaching. My proposal is shaping up, I've been studying and practicing with my PI and with friends... This thing is actually going to happen. I'm looking forward to having thoughts about this exam be swept away (after the stressful event occurs), and I can go back to what I love to do- research, softball, crafting, and hanging out with humans. I probably make it sound like I've been a hermit, and often times, this is exactly what I am doing. My happiness is very dependent on having other people around, and this whole experience of studying and holing myself in my office has been a pretty awful one. Working for my own solo gain is draining. I'm a team player, through and through, and I can push myself so much harder if I know that the work helps a much greater cause.
Okay, I got a little sidetracked with my sad story of isolation and oral exams. I've been trying to keep the stress level down by taking little breaks here and there (like writing this thing). I have been working on what is likely the geekiest craft project I have been a part of so far. This project, my friends, is a He emission spectrum scarf. If you are also interested in sporting some elemental neck-fashion, I recommend looking up your favorite element using this spectrum generator.
Now, you may be wondering, "Lasers, out of the entire periodic table, why did you choose He?" There are many reasons for me to want to sport the He emission spectrum. (1) It's like wearing sunshine! Helium was first discovered when scientists were studying the spectroscopy of the sun. Helium was named from the Greek word for sun, Helios. (2) Much of my research involves He emission. I use the ultraviolet emission of ionized Helium to photoemit electrons from surfaces to take electronic spectra (UV photoelectron spectroscopy, UPS). (3) Helium is becoming rarer and rarer on Earth. So enjoy those "I wuv you beary much" balloons this Valentines day.
Well, break time is up. Back to my proposal. Happy Saturday everyone!
Lasers
Friday, January 13, 2012
Big day today
Hi all,
Guess what I did today?
Probably not what you guessed, but maybe! I signed on my new committee member and scheduled my oral exam! !!! Its really happening. Guess that means I had better get off the blog and get my nose back into the books.
L
Guess what I did today?
Probably not what you guessed, but maybe! I signed on my new committee member and scheduled my oral exam! !!! Its really happening. Guess that means I had better get off the blog and get my nose back into the books.
L
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Who needs sleep?
I thought isolation was going to help me with my writing and my studying. So I avoided running into people, I stayed home to work on things. I was doing really well, staying focused and getting stuff done.
The drawback? I'm getting really lonely. So lonely that I'm the teeniest bit depressed. How do I know? I'm sleeping whenever I get the chance. I'm the kid who will run on 4-6 hours of sleep. Hand me a coffee, no problem, good to go. But coffee isn't helping me, I'll drink a cup or two of coffee and then fall asleep on the couch. I cant pull this off much longer. I'm a social creature, as much of an introvert as I am. I'll go crazy if I keep this stuff up.
Hopefully with the semester starting up and people being back in town, I'll perk back up again. I'll have to go in to campus, and on my walk in I'll see people, I'll probably talk to people, and things will slowly get better.
So back to my research and my writing and my studying. Here is hoping that the semester will be a refreshing beginning to a great spring.
L
The drawback? I'm getting really lonely. So lonely that I'm the teeniest bit depressed. How do I know? I'm sleeping whenever I get the chance. I'm the kid who will run on 4-6 hours of sleep. Hand me a coffee, no problem, good to go. But coffee isn't helping me, I'll drink a cup or two of coffee and then fall asleep on the couch. I cant pull this off much longer. I'm a social creature, as much of an introvert as I am. I'll go crazy if I keep this stuff up.
Hopefully with the semester starting up and people being back in town, I'll perk back up again. I'll have to go in to campus, and on my walk in I'll see people, I'll probably talk to people, and things will slowly get better.
So back to my research and my writing and my studying. Here is hoping that the semester will be a refreshing beginning to a great spring.
L
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Goodness! It has almost been a year!
I have a good reason for this! Ha! Not really. I haven't had anything interesting to discuss... No, that's not true either.
I've just been doing other things.
I'm trying really hard to stop making excuses for things. I guess if I had made New Years resolutions (which I did not, and I haven't for years), stop making excuses would be one of the top ones.
It has been approximately one whole year that I've been freaking out and thinking about my oral exam, and I still have not taken the thing. This only propagates my fear of the thing, which is not good. I've been writing my original proposal and typing up my research summary, and that has been going alright. It's the standing up in front of five professors and sounding like an idiot thing that has me worried.
Okay, so it's 2012. Lets see, what happened in 2011 that is noteworthy...
I got myself over involved in things this past fall, pretty typical for me. I don't just want to do one thing, I want to do eight! All at once! I volunteered to work the international student orientation at my university. I now have even more friends from around the world, all which I hope will let me sleep on their couch if I ever find myself in their neck of the woods :) Friends and lab mates defended their PhD or got jobs (inspiration!) and I baked them cupcakes and cookies. I went to my first ever "conference" as a graduate student and presented a poster on work I have been a part of. I wrote a research proposal for collaborative research that was selected for funding (yay!). Graded 120+ papers a week. About half of my garden died, but I learned to cook with the remaining half (eggplant mmmmm...). Made my own Sailor Saturn costume in two days (not fun...). Learned that I will not look horrible with hot pink hair (this is the post-oral exam plan so far). Turned twenty-five years old! Square age! Not another one of these until I'm 36, so I've got to enjoy it :)
err... I'm sure I'll think of other things. I hope for this new-ish year that things are good. I would like to be sure to see my friends, to do well in my oral comprehensive and in my research, and to smile a lot. If its in my cards, I'd like to get to India. I recently stumbled on the Dalai Lama's Google+ page, and it has reminded me to be mindful, compassionate, and to not be angry. So here's to loving kindness!
Lasers
I've just been doing other things.
I'm trying really hard to stop making excuses for things. I guess if I had made New Years resolutions (which I did not, and I haven't for years), stop making excuses would be one of the top ones.
It has been approximately one whole year that I've been freaking out and thinking about my oral exam, and I still have not taken the thing. This only propagates my fear of the thing, which is not good. I've been writing my original proposal and typing up my research summary, and that has been going alright. It's the standing up in front of five professors and sounding like an idiot thing that has me worried.
Okay, so it's 2012. Lets see, what happened in 2011 that is noteworthy...
I got myself over involved in things this past fall, pretty typical for me. I don't just want to do one thing, I want to do eight! All at once! I volunteered to work the international student orientation at my university. I now have even more friends from around the world, all which I hope will let me sleep on their couch if I ever find myself in their neck of the woods :) Friends and lab mates defended their PhD or got jobs (inspiration!) and I baked them cupcakes and cookies. I went to my first ever "conference" as a graduate student and presented a poster on work I have been a part of. I wrote a research proposal for collaborative research that was selected for funding (yay!). Graded 120+ papers a week. About half of my garden died, but I learned to cook with the remaining half (eggplant mmmmm...). Made my own Sailor Saturn costume in two days (not fun...). Learned that I will not look horrible with hot pink hair (this is the post-oral exam plan so far). Turned twenty-five years old! Square age! Not another one of these until I'm 36, so I've got to enjoy it :)
err... I'm sure I'll think of other things. I hope for this new-ish year that things are good. I would like to be sure to see my friends, to do well in my oral comprehensive and in my research, and to smile a lot. If its in my cards, I'd like to get to India. I recently stumbled on the Dalai Lama's Google+ page, and it has reminded me to be mindful, compassionate, and to not be angry. So here's to loving kindness!
Lasers
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