Saturday:
Its ~3 days until my oral exam. I'm not allowed to study, I'm supposed to "get my zen on," as my advisor has told me. I go to see The Secret World of Arrietty.
Sunday:
Nausea, body aches, and chills! Oh crap. This is NOT the zen I was hoping for. I sleep all day. Eat 2 crackers and a pear. Go to bed hoping that I feel miraculously better on Monday.
Monday:
Still got the body-aches and chills! I can eat but everything tastes totally nasty. I start to freak out because my oral exam is tomorrow, and I havent really practiced my new and improved powerpoint presentation. Insert profanity (actually, more than one). I email my advisor, telling him whats going on. He offers to help me reschedule if I really cant come in the next day. Rescheduling freaks me out more than taking the exam sick. I rest the whole day. By night time I'm feeling OK. I bring all of my food and drink in to campus for the exam. In a last ditch panic, I flip through Atkins and I flip through my powerpoint presentation. I toss and turn all night, waking up at every hour in a panic.
Tuesday:
The fated day is here. I get dressed, realize that in this whole stressed out about the oral exam for ~3 month period, I have apparently lost weight. My dress slacks dont fit. Luckily, I have dress slacks from 4 years ago which do. Whew. All dressed up, looking snazzy. My computer is packed up, I drive to campus (not wanting to walk all the way in my professional get-up). Now the real panic has set in. Coffee has been ordered, I've sent a friend off to fetch donuts for one of my committee members. Ok, everything is in place. A friend hangs around to keep me from being alone with myself for an hour before. All I want to do is flip through my slides and flip through my study notes, but its not a good idea! 30 minutes until the exam. Oh dang. Food gets set up. Projector is set up. Another friend pulls me aside to give me a pep talk. I dont know that I hear much of it at all, but I appreciate it all the same. My advisor pulls me aside. He gives me a bit of a pep talk, tells me how the exam is going to go. Ok. Its game time. I walk into the room.
The Exam:
One committee member is sitting in the corner, he has his ipad on his lap. He asks me how many slides I have in my presentation, "What? Slides? No, I'm afraid we're just going to cut you off here. No slides." I tell him I have too many, and to feel free to cut me off. I also tell him that his donuts are here. "Look at all this food! I'm afraid this exam is going to have to go 5 hours so that we can finish it all!" I'm starting to mellow out, stuff is feeling more and more casual. Other committee members wander in. When the last one shows up, I am asked to leave so that they can discuss how the exam is going to go.
I stand in the hallway in my fancy dress clothes with a bottle of water. I'm nervously sipping away. How is this thing going to go down? The grad student coordinator walks by, talks to me, and gives me a hug. My advisor comes out, tells me its time, tells me to take a deep breath. I walk in and suddenly we are off! I start presenting my proposal, there are some bumps in my speech, but I recover. The questions are all reasonable, and mostly they are curiosities. If I dont know the answer, I think of things that might be true, and they seem to be satisfied by that. They cut me off after an hour and a half of talking about my proposal. I'm sent outside again.
Whew! Its already half over! The proposal part wasn't so bad, but I'm starting to get nervous about the general question part.
When I'm brought back in, everyone seems to be in good spirits. Two of my committee members are joking and actually cracking up. It feels VERY casual, with the exception of one committee member who is being very serious. They all tell me that my proposal was VERY GOOD. I'm smiling, but still wondering whats next. Three out of my four committee members ask questions. I'm asked about the laws of thermodynamics, vibrational spectoscopy selection rules, and bonding in ZnO. It wasnt too bad, but I dont really know what this means. I'm asked to leave the room again.
I'm wondering, am I going to get more questions? How did I do? I dont feel like I'm failing, but I dont know that I've passed either. Its like I'm in limbo, but regardless, its almost over.
After a very short break, my advisor comes out and tells me that I did a really great job. I'm stunned. "It's over?" He shakes my hand. "You still need to sign the papers." I walk in and they are signing away at the document saying whether I've passed or failed. I shake two of my committee members hands. What a relief.
Now that I think about it, I never really looked to see where on the paper it said that I passed. I guess I just have to believe my advisor. YES! And I'm not passed with special requirements to teach a class or to take a class. I've just passed.
Now, I'd like to say, oh yes, I feel like I totally aced that thing. But I dont, and I dont think anyone who takes their oral ever does. Its the whole fraud thing that I mentioned before. I know that I didnt go in there and fool them, but at the same time, I wonder if I am still a fraud. How in the world did that exam go by so seemingly smooth? How was my proposal that good? I'm sure I'll stop thinking these things eventually. But last night I had a dream that they actually had failed me, and no one had told me. So I know that still, deep in my subconscious, I'm wondering if I am actually deserving of my new PhD Candidacy.
It's the day after the exam now, and I'm still sick. I'm stuck in bed resting after all of yesterdays excitement. Food still doesn't taste good. My sinuses are causing me incredible pain, and the dogs in my house are driving me crazy. I cannot wait to be feeling better and back in the lab. I miss my laser, and I miss my team.
Thanks again for all of the support. I've finally made it. Next big hurtles- writing papers, a dissertation, and defending it. PhD-ness, here I come.
Lasers
